But to be completely honest with you, I still wonder what is going on in my confused little brain and heart when it comes to “feeling” happy in my 32 year marriage. My husband is a good man. He’s committed and faithful. So why do I wake up many mornings not really “feeling” marital happiness? Well, as I’ve mentioned before, long term relationships are lasting longer then any other time in history. I remind myself that I am in mostly unchartered territory and that it is natural to question the “happiness” of the unknown. So I’m trying 3 small steps each morning before I get out of bed. First, I look over at my snoring husband and think a kind, new thought about him—such as “I sure am glad he still wants me to sit in his lap when he watches T.V., or even thank goodness he takes the trash out,” –you get the idea. Second, I think of one little act of whimsy that would make me smile during the day—such as “I hear a chocolate Frappechino calling my name this morning.” And, last but not least, I think of one thing I am grateful for—such as “how blessed I am that none of my children are sick today.” Then after I remind myself to live in the moment and quit agonizing over the past and the future, I roll out of bed.

I know this is not a perfect solution by any means. But it does keep a pretty common damaging emotion from occurring in a long term relationship. That emotion is “Complacency.” It is way too easy to take nearly everything for granted after so many years together. These 3 little steps keep me in the much healthier and happier place of “Consciousness.” This does not mean I am jumping for joy by any means. But it does mean I am aware of my true feelings. I am consciously avoiding the sadness and hopelessness of “Apathy.”

So just keep in mind that any person who tries to convince you of a one-size-fits-all strategy for achieving happiness is probably just selling you something. Yoga doesn’t work for everyone. Some people just don’t enjoy pedicures. Exercise means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. And though I suppose many of us would benefit from the effects of a year-long trip around the world or a couple of weeks in Tahiti, it’s probably not the most realistic course of action. I’m pretty darn sure I wouldn’t meet Javier Bardem in Bali.

I mention this because most of the women I know haven’t had the easiest time of late.  For many of us, the combination of big picture, newsworthy crises and personal challenges has created a perfect storm of frustration, sadness, anger and stress of category five proportions. At times when most women I know would settle for just okay, claims that you can achieve perfect happiness seem foolhardy at best. It’s no wonder we’re thumbing through self-help books in the checkout line.

I find it more than a little ironic that the end result of all this happiness talk often makes us feel bad about not being happy enough. It’s as if we’re just not trying hard enough if we don’t bounce through our day to day lives like Glenda the Good Witch on a sugar high. Like many Southern women, I was raised to grin and bear it, to attend to the happiness of others instead of (and occasionally at the expense of) my own. But I doubt even the most sugar sweet southern belle would honestly claim to feel utter fulfillment and radiant happiness all the time.

Truth is: it’s okay to not be happy all the time. And when you are happy, it should be on your own terms. You should feel free to let yourself relax and enjoy things when you want, but you’re under no obligation to strive for perfect balance and fulfillment or whatever the author of the latest best selling memoir thinks she found at a yoga class in Bali. And yes. You are entitled to be happy, but you’re also entitled to be angry, scared, confused, amused, content, lazy, indifferent, sad and the countless other variations of human emotion.

Real happiness for me is knowing the people I love are well-taken care of, knowing that I love and am loved and knowing that I’m being true to myself, even if being true to myself right now means being a little bit grumpy.

After all, sometimes that cloud’s silver lining just means I need to take my umbrella.

One of the less glamorous beliefs of youth is that life can be broken into four discrete parts. In the first part (the part we are all so anxious to exit at age eighteen), our parents rule our lives. We are their children first and foremost. They make the rules. They call the shots. They buy the groceries.  In the second part, we are independent adults, living by our own measure, free to embrace whatever wild scheme we like, diving fully into wisdom and experience (this part always sounds better in theory than in reality).  In the third part, we are parents. Our children rule our lives, but we make the rules. We nurture and support. We correct the mistakes our own parents made. And if our own parents are around, they are nothing more than benign grandparents, baking cookies and showering affection on the perfect, beautiful, brilliant children we imagine having with  Kevin, the football player in 7^th period biology. And finally, somewhere in a distant future filled with flying cars and free plastic surgery, we will retire with our true loves and see the world, confident that everyone we love is taken care of.

It’s a lovely idea, isn’t it?

I still remember when I thought my life would resemble that term paper perfect timeline, though it’s been years since I last believed it. There are a lot of unknowables and ambiguities youth cannot recognize. We want to believe our parents will be around forever, but as young adults, it’s hard for us to imagine them as infirm, as needing us as badly as we ever needed them. Likewise, it’s easy to invent cherubic offspring with dimples and ringlets, but somehow they never seem to age into young adults in our fantasies. Certainly not young adults struggling to find work and make ends meet in the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression.  We may imagine ourselves as empty nesters, but quite honestly, I knew virtually no one who imagined the possibility of having a kid move back home at the same time that they take on the responsibility of care for an aging parent. Now I hear it all the time. It’s a thing we discuss. No mere conjecture, this is a reality that for many of us must be addressed.

We are the sandwich generation, caught between aging parents and adult children, in the rare position of having to fend for both—financially, emotionally, physically. And though our individual circumstances may be very different, I’m guessing we share a similar shade of stress thinking about the expectations others have of us and weighing them very carefully against those expectations we have for ourselves. We may no longer anticipate flying cars and free plastic surgery, but most of us still have a vision of where we want to be at fifty, at sixty—whether Switzerland or St Thomas or sitting in a porch swing with a glass of wine and a good book—and that vision probably doesn’t include spending a morning with an aging parent’s cardiologist and an afternoon listening to a disappointed twenty-two year old daughter, demoralized by her job search and fearful that waiting tables alone will not pay the rent.

I’ll be the first person to tell you that there’s no easy way out of this particular crevasse. But here are several tips that have helped me, for example, get through this stretch:

1. Take care of yourself. Do like the airlines tell you and get your own oxygen mask on before helping those around you. You simply cannot save anyone else if you’re already drowning. Do what is required. If that means giving yourself a few hours or even a few days to work through your personal needs, then do so. Get as much sleep as you can afford. Treat yourself to a little luxury every now and then.

1. Let others help you. Leave martyrdom at church. No one expects you to do everything all by yourself all the time. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. And for heaven’s sake, don’t turn it away when it’s offered. Going through my own version of this recently was made infinitely easier by the kindness and generosity of my husband, who went out of his way to let me let him help me.

1. This too shall pass. I am not psychic. I don’t know when or how, but I do know eventually the clouds will break and we’ll be able to see the shore. Keep the faith.

1. Remember you are not alone. The sandwich generation is so-called because there’s a whole generation of us. Many of us are going through this right now. Don’t be afraid to talk about it. What you share could help someone else, and vice versa.

Focus on the future, the one you want.

Together we’ll get through this.

During the next few months, I will be writing a series of articles for you regarding the challenges of long-term marriages. I have been receiving hundreds of e-mails from women and men in marriages of over 30 years who are considering or already have divorced. Each day I get phone calls or visits from college age students who are devastated that their parents have suddenly decided to separate. And, of course, we are all seeing the media frenzy over Al and Tipper Gore.

I don’t have the answers. I’m not sure that I even know the questions to be examined. But, as always, I do know the truths of what I have learned through living. I do not know if these truths are right or wrong. I can only hope that they can provide some insight into this issue of how to be happy in a long term marriage. This is the first time in history that we are living long enough for couples to actually face wonders and problems that we have never experienced before in our relationships. Most of us were not prepared for this.

I will do my best to present you with all the problems, right moves, and downright mistakes I have made in my efforts to save and strengthen my marriage as my husband and I faced difficulties we never expected during the past few years of our 32 years of marriage. May this give hope to both those who are just beginning to fall in love and to couples who are living the roller coaster of lengthy marriages.

Let the journey begin.

Love,

Cheryl

Once upon a time, I would come home from teaching at night and find my husband zoned out in front of the television set. Eyes glassy, slack-jawed, remote control very nearly growing roots in his hand, he was a stone wall. He would not be moved. I could have thrown off my clothes, screamed at the top of my lungs and performed a one woman Can-Can number with sparklers and he probably would have asked me not to block the television. It took years of work for the two of us to arrive at a reasonable level of communication. He had to learn to be more aware of what was going on with me. I had to learn that his cluelessness was just that. Throughout those years, I used to imagine what it would be like to have a husband so eager to spend time with me that he would voluntarily go shopping with me, or call in to check up on me, or plan date nights to make me happy, or beg me just to spend a few minutes with him. I wanted a husband who was also my best friend and most intimate confidante.

And all I have to say to that, ladies, is:

Be careful what you wish for.

Fast forward to now. My husband is devoted. He’s affectionate. He’s open. He wants to be together all the time. He cares so much about being with me; he’ll crawl in the passenger seat when I’m headed to the mall. He’ll ask me to lunch. He’ll turn down weekends with the guys in order to take me to the beach. And I love him for it. I really do.  But sometimes, honestly, I feel a tad claustrophobic. Not only that, I feel guilty when I spend time alone because I need that time alone. And let me tell you, this is totally unexpected.

At forty years old, the idea of being overwhelmed by a needy husband was impossible–no exaggeration. I’m talking full-on black hole paradox. It could not happen, would not happen! It didn’t matter if he was at home or out; he wasn’t present. Now my husband, who’s closer to sixty than forty, is almost like another child. He clings to me. He needs me. He seeks my approval. And I? With one son in college and one about to finish high school, I feel more independent and more protective of my own space. I am more committed to my own needs than ever before.  I’ve spent the last two decades in a world of testosterone as I tried with the greatest difficulty to express words of female empowerment. I’ve been surrounded by men—charming and lovable as they are, but men nonetheless. I need my space, a separate piece of square footage that isn’t looming over me with hundreds of daily chores and tasks. I need the proverbial room of my own.

This paradox, this unbelievable reversal, this completely unexpected turn of events may be shocking to me personally, but it’s not abnormal. This is the common condition of the middle-aged marriage in the 21st century.

I know a lot of women right now, whose husbands are slowing down at work or retiring completely. These men find themselves at home, more or less all day for the first time in forty years. No deadlines, no projects, no business trips, no staff. If he’s handy, maybe there’s a short list of household projects he’s been putting off for a couple of years (or a couple of decades). If he’s crafty, he might toy with his camera or tinker with that book he’s been talking about since he was twenty-six. He might even find some new physical outlets for his extra time—walking, biking, golfing, and hiking. But there’s only so long he can spend on a bike, on the yard, on the rec room renovation or glued to CNN before he gets bored and comes to you looking for something to do.

Remember the part before where I said a middle-aged husband was not unlike another child? Well, this situation is not all that different than having a bright, if under-occupied nine-year-old over summer vacation. He completes a cycle of piddling projects, and then comes in to report to you. He might not tell you he’s bored (which a nine year old usually does), but his body language certainly will and further that he expects you to fix it. And sadly, unlike that nine-year-old, you can’t send your husband to Day Camp.

I don’t want to be over-dramatic here, but of late, sometimes it makes me crazy. His work may have slowed down, but my work is heating up. As an author, I need my space and time to write. And if I can’t write; I am, in part, denying who I am.

Thus, I rented a little condo (which is actually much cheaper than renting office space.) It is the perfect author’s office. It is a reprieve, a room of my own, absent testosterone.  I can work and write and invite my girlfriends over for a glass of wine.  I don’t have to apologize to anyone about how I spend my time. I can actually feel my high blood pressure drop as I look up from my writing without seeing all the little jobs that are waiting for me at home. I can sit on my small balcony and meditate in silent prayer. I am at peace. At home, I live in our space. This is mine (at least until about 5:00 PM.) After five, it turns into anything from a “party pad” for my sons, a family game-night, to a private night for me and my husband.

Women between fifty and sixty years old are more likely than any other group to seek divorce.  Some of this is probably related to biology, the changes in body chemistry wrought by menopause, the adjustments of age, and the adjustments to an empty nest. But I contend this impulse to separate is also related to the fact that men and women are often in very different places in their fifties. Factor in the additional stresses of living in this world at this time and you have a perfect storm of disquiet on the home front.

In many cases, a divorce at fifty-five can lead to a lot of regrets at seventy. Divorce is a huge decision. And when you’re approaching sixty years young, the ramifications are overwhelming to say the least. So instead of further complicating an already daunting future, it’s my recommendation that you get downright creative. We’re all grown-ups here. We can, as they say, think outside the box.

I’m not suggesting that everyone need follow the exact path that I did (condo, counseling, re-directing priorities—not necessarily in that order), but I do believe that time and patience are our best allies. Marriage is a journey and some stretches are more taxing than others. I’m trying out this condo idea on a month to month basis. What feels right today may not feel right tomorrow. Or my paycheck may get clobbered by the economy. The best I can do is take things one day at a time. I’m taking care of myself mentally, physically, and spiritually. I let my husband know how much I love him and how we will build and strengthen our very “long-term” marriage.

Be brave. Be patient. And ask yourself what would you do differently in your life if you were not afraid?

Most of all, be happy. Happiness brings my husband and me to the “bottom line.” We have been having the best “date nights” of out entire 32 year marriage in my little office condo. He is still the man who makes me smile and keeps me warm at night.

To take advantage of warm spring afternoon, you decide to dig out some of last summer’s clothes in order to set on your deck or do a little gardening.  Unless you’re living deep in the Sun Belt, chances are those shorts are buried deep in the drawer, somewhere near the bathing suits. It’s treacherous territory down there, because even thinking about putting on a bathing suit at this stage in the game is enough to make some of us wish for six more weeks of winter, in which we might be finally able to shed those ten pounds we picked up around the holidays and haven’t exactly gotten around to losing yet.

If it’s any consolation, you’re not alone. Summer adds a lot our general wellbeing and peace of mind—fresh fruit and vegetables, bright sunny days full of Vitamin D, the ability to walk barefoot across the grass, etc.—but for all those myriad benefits, summer can also mean an assault on our self-esteem. Less clothes means less body coverage. There’s just no way to hide the fact that you don’t look like the cover of Marie Claire. All around us, in every grocery store checkout line, during every commercial break we are fed images of teenagers with biologically improbable physiques and Photo shopped faces selling (and it is selling) us some notion that in order to enjoy the warm weather, we must spend a small fortune on a new weight loss regime so we can fit into a designer swimsuit that appears to consist of a couple of cocktail napkins and some shoelaces.

Of course, the rational part of your brain knows better than to take too much offense. Any crisis of self-esteem brought upon by the changing of the season is at least half the fault of marketers and media moguls, whose bottom line depends on making you covet celebrity looks and shell out for lycra shapers and low-fat TV dinners.

Science has proven that the media can completely accomplish their goal of making us feel “unattractive” in 7 seconds or less. Advertisers count on this just as they count on us to forget models are “computerized” to look flawless. It is as if we are expected to feel bad about ourselves.

But this year, I’d like to offer a different approach.

Instead of looking toward the summer months frustrated by everything we’re not, I’d like to challenge all of you to take a little moment out of every day to celebrate the real-life women we really are. By golly we are INCREDIBLE! See that mirror you just walked past? Smile, sparkle, and look deep into your eyes and see the woman that thrives in your heart and soul. Love her with every cell of your being. She is smart, unique, brave, compassionate, and so amazingly generous with her love that you see tears of joy. Now you are looking at a woman who is truly beautiful, inside and out. There is no advertisement that can even come close to showing this beauty! So I am asking all of you. Instead of looking at some air-brushed ad for 7 seconds, look at yourself. Throw those shoulders back, hold your head up, and stand tall as you celebrate an unprecedented, one of a kind beauty that is you! This is a self-improvement scheme that requires no membership fees or monthly payments. All you have to do is acknowledge that you are FABULOUS every day and enjoy renewing your sense of confidence in every way.

A bathing suit is just a piece of cloth. You can certainly stand up to it and show it who’s boss!

Enjoy life and the beautiful weather,

When Kelly first contacted me for advice, my heart went out to her. There’s little worse than feeling stuck in a job that makes you miserable. Getting out is always the first recourse. But there are times in which the easy, quick-fix solution simply will not work long term. You can’t always just pack it in and seamlessly arrive at a new position, especially when you’re living in place with a 10%+ rate of unemployment. These are the cold, hard, unglamorous facts. There is a time and place for following your dreams and pursuing happiness with abandon. And if you’re in a position like Kelly, that time is not right now.
So what do you do? Human beings are hardwired to get through almost anything—be it a natural disaster or a really demoralizing job—and most women are survivors by nature. But that doesn’t mean you have to keep a stiff upper lip all the time. Nor does it mean that you have to acquiesce. Just because you can’t make a radical change right now doesn’t mean you never can.
Instead of dwelling on your inability to change the present, be proactive about the future.

• Don’t like what you’re doing for a living? Explore what you might like to do instead. Take a class at your local college, university or community college. Many of these are extremely affordable, with flexible enough class schedules to accommodate all varieties of adult students.

• Put yourself in a better mood. A little chocolate every day will do extraordinary things for general sense of well-being. And know, that even a little exercise everyday (you can count grocery shopping , gardening and dancing) is one of the most reliable ways to increase your energy and improve you mood.

• Formulate a long-term plan. Think of it as a project. Where do you want to be in five years? Ten years? Twenty years? What can you do now to lay the foundations for your future? Maybe it’s sticking an extra ten dollars a week in your savings account. Maybe it’s learning French. Maybe it’s talking to your husband realistically about what you expect from retirement.

• Relax. Relax. Relax. Anxiety is nasty little roommate. Keep it at bay by finding the time to relax, to meditate, to pray, to take a twenty minute nap on a Sunday afternoon, or a long walk through the woods. Kiss your partner and stay in the moment.

Our most successful life changes are made after careful thought and planning. Use this time to redraw your roadmap. It’s lousy weather for driving, but I hear those storm clouds are lined with silver.

But for those of us whose family members serve in the military, the troops are individual, identifiable people, each with his or her own story, each holding a set of a memories, a hopes, dreams and pictures of loved ones back home, who hope and pray every day their son, daughter, husband or wife will come home to them.

Half of military personnel are now married, compared to only 1/4 during the Vietnam War. Current deployment is taking a grueling toll on families. As we enter 2010, the United States has been fighting the War on Terror on at least two fronts for the better part of a decade, with active military personnel scattered across the Middle East and all over the world. Every man and woman serving his or her country in Iraq or Afghanistan has trained for this. This is their job and their duty, no matter how hard or how dangerous.

For those waiting at home, ready for an end to deployments and some relative peace, it can seem interminable, unending, cruel. You’re left scared, worried, and once again a single parent. You are responsible again for all the diaper changing, child rearing, home repairs, lawn maintenance, homework, and the list goes on and on. Your typical military marriage is in full swing. Hardest of all you have to keep your head held high in his honor and your country’s honor. Yet, you need to be honored also.

I want to help you with becoming committed, loving, and empowered enough to NOT lose your emotional wellness, wholeness and happiness as he crosses the border from the war zone to the demilitarized zone called home. But, most importantly, I want to help you through the toughest of emotional times. Those times when you’re exhausted scared of losing him, When the uncertainty of war has beaten you down, and all you want to do is run away from the reality of coping another day without your spouse. All right, are you ready to love, cherish, and honor yourself? Let’s get going. How? There is only one way, the way of self-empowerment.

His deployment is a perfect time for you to start your journey towards self-wellness, wholeness and love for yourself. Do not spend your time concentrating on what he is, doing or not doing. This does not honor you and it makes your life scary, difficult, dishonest and crazy. When you are constantly anxious and afraid, you are not helping anyone. Be yourself with you. Love and pray for him; but don’t neglect yourself. By doing this, you change the whole dynamic of your home. You lessen the feelings of fearfulness and grow the feeling of love. You and all those around you will feel the emotional shift.

Somewhere deep inside, you know he is coming back. You hope and pray for his safe return every day. But, also you know that when he returns your entire relationship, and family dynamic will change. It always does! Somehow during all these emotions, you have to be emotionally present for your children and family.

I have talked with many wives whose husbands are in the military. I have learned that the highest price of a military marriage is not that he is gone for long periods of time. Rather, it is that a military marriage often causes a woman to lose herself in the relationship, and in the many tasks that she must handle all by herself. You are married to your husband; he is married to the military.

Now is the perfect time for you to change the entire dynamic of your marriage.

This new, real love is the love you develop for yourself. It is to be used as a foundation for finding and developing a new, more real love for him while he’s gone and when he comes home.

Here’s how to beginning your journey of wellness:

· Give yourself loving permission to acknowledge and, without resistance, fully experience what you’re feeling. Your emotions will range from denial, anger, helplessness, isolation, vulnerable, depression, and acceptance. Allowing yourself to feel and express emotions does not mean you have lost control.

· Being human means experiencing a range of emotions while developing the coping mechanisms to deal with the good and bad times. Resisting the inevitable emotions does not always manifest bravery. The typical reaction to feeling helpless and vulnerable is often a need to strongly control all emotions that you are uncomfortable with. You feel guilty for being angry, and this makes you angrier. Being able to feel keeps you alive! People who are attentive to their emotional life are much more likely to retain their vitality and sense of self.

· Identify the trigger and memories associated with the emotion. Ask yourself what triggered this particular emotion. Stop resisting. Suppressed emotions will destroy you. Let them out.

· Honor a time limit. Give yourself a specified amount of time each day to be alone and express your feelings. “Lose it” in a hot shower, on a long walk, or in your closet. Once your time is up, wash your face and do something nice for yourself before proceeding with the “life as usual” routine.

· Ask yourself what can YOU do to change the situation. Do not waste one second trying to figure out what another person should do to change it.

· Have faith that your soul will show you the way to heal and have your needs met. Let your inner wisdom bring you truth and clarity. Your creative energy will start flowing.

· Take action. Do not sabotage yourself by going back to old patterns that were not working for you. Don’t look back; only forward. Take action to change. This, of course, is a glorious opportunity to find YOU. Now is the time to implement the positive side of loving, knowing and honoring yourself. You have the power to change. In emotional words, LOVE YOURSELF.

Honor the troops. Honor your husband. But never forget to honor yourself.

My prayers are with you.

Just across the frozen tundra from the workshop, Mrs. Claus is just as busy preparing for the holidays at home. After all, there are parties for elves that have be organized, gifts (of the non-toy variety) that must be purchased for all their employees and adult friends , house full of out-of-town guests who will all be arriving right around Christmas Day and the food to feed them, which, I don’t mind telling you, is both expensive and inconvenient (the nearest Costco is a long way from the North Pole). Mrs. Claus understands how busy her husband is this time of year, but it would be great if he would take five minutes to straighten the Christmas tree and fix the toilet in the guest bathroom. The real truth is: Mrs. Claus would like to spend Christmas somewhere warm, on a beach, with a Pina Colada in one hand and a book about seductive swashbucklers in the other. But whenever she brings this up, her family just gapes at her, horrified, as if she’d just slain the spirit of Christmas or asserted that there is no such thing as Santa Claus.

And for years she soldiered on in silence, wondering how it was that on the one day of the year when every child in the world loved her husband most of all, she couldn’t help feeling a little frustrated with him.

Finally, a few years ago, Mrs. Claus sat down with her husband a couple weeks before the holiday and announced that she wanted a say a few things in one of their rare moments alone.

“I appreciate how important this holiday is to you,” she said. “I understand thepart of it that you share with the rest of the world is critically important. Now more than ever.”

He nodded and she slid closer to him.

“But here’s the thing,” she continued. “Every year the holiday season seems to take more and more out of me. I work really hard for the months leading up to Christmas making sure all the gifts are bought and the food is prepared and the family can all get home and have a nice place to say. And I do it all with a smile, because I want to make the people I love happy. But just once I’d like to have a little time—just a few hours even—to spend with my husband. I want to relax and be romantic. I want a break from thinking about the how of the holidays so I can enjoy the why.”

Santa was surprised at the request, having spent many years not even considering that wife might not have enjoyed the hustle and bustle of the holiday season the way he did. And he considered that, despite all the letters and lists he’d received, his wife had never really asked for much of anything.

He swallowed and stroked his beard, thoughtfully. “You sure you don’t want a new toaster oven or a sweater or maybe some earrings.”

“I want some adult time,” she said. “I want to be with the man I love. I want to remember this holiday as being one full of romance. And if you and I can’t do it. What hope is there for everyone else?”

From that day forward, Santa and Mrs. Claus closed off their schedule for a few hours on the twenty-sixth. No one knew exactly where they went or what they did (although a few nosy elves reported seeing them snuggled up in front of the fire), but what was completely clear was that Mrs. Claus glowed until the New Year. And Santa, the next year and every year that followed, was a little more excited about getting home after delivering his presents.

1. Leave the problems of the past in the past. Remember that time he forgot your birthday and then bought you a “Dustbuster” as a late birthday present? How about the time she embarrassed you at the Christmas Party by unintentionally insulting your boss? Great. I’m glad you both remember. Now, leave those memories with the baggage you left at home. Tonight is about forging a new beginning, don’t let it get tarnished with the troubles of the past.

1. Fall in love again for all the right reasons. If you’ve been married to your spouse for a while, he may be a different person now than the one you married. The one constant in life is change—no matter how slight.  People change over time and often so subtly that we don’t notice as it happens. Neither of you are kids anymore. Get to know each other as grown-ups.

1. Do not talk about money. This an absolute no-no. Nothing will sour a date faster than an argument about credit card bills. The health of the economy isn’t great right now. A lot of people are struggling to make ends meet.  But leave that at home. Try to enjoy your night out, at least just this once, without considering its cost.

1. Vary your date locations. You don’t always have to go to the same café or bar. Find new places and new activities you can enjoy together. Explore. Sometimes a simple change of scenery is all you really need.

1. Let your baggage go. He’s got problems. You’ve got problems. Maybe you’ve been working through some of them. Maybe you want to talk about that. That’s normal, just don’t do it on date night.

1. Be open to romance. Sometimes you have to let yourself be wooed, even if it feels hokey or silly. Accept the compliment graciously. Flirt back.  Dance even when no one else is on the dance floor. Be a fool for love.

Enjoy your date! Go for it!

“So who is she?”  You wonder as he speaks so warmly into his cell phone.

Here you are in the hospital and you can barely get a grunt from him.  Then his cell phone rings. “Excuse me.”  Two words.  And the more you hear the genteel intonation, the more furious you become. You know that no one except a new conquest can put that tone in your spouse’s voice.  What respect, kindness and gentleness you hear oozing from his giddy voice.  The same ooze that once made you melt and puddle at his feet.

It is one thing to fight an unseen enemy, but it is another thing entirely to be obtuse. You are not a victim. How to react (and if you should) is your choice.  It is time to be honest.  You are no longer a child fearful of the unknown. The ability to reason beyond your personal experiences has finally been overcome.

It has taken you awhile to find the courage to face your fears.  Something or someone has stealthily entered into your relationship, silently stalking. You don’t know their intent, but you can see all the potential ramifications of such deceit.

So, when did it start?  As a trained professional you know a high percentage of relationship problems come from a lack of effective communication. But what has taken away your ability as a couple to rise above all obstacles and arrive at a place of reasonable peace and harmony?

In the beginning, you thought the golden days would become brighter instead of dimming to days of opaqueness where every word and action is hard to understand or explain.  Over time you have lost your perspective. An unfamiliar pallor has slipped over your relationship.  Time was you knew exactly what you wanted out of your healthy, happy and mature relationship.  You thought you had non-negotiable emotional and mental boundaries and your partner agreed that these boundaries would be respected, fulfilled and enhanced enabling you to become all you dream that you and your relationship could become.

So what happened?  When did the boundary lines that were distinct, sharp and concise begin to look like a circle or a noose?  Slowly boundaries outlining respect, consideration, gentleness, kindness, helpfulness became points of contention. Fighting words, as they say. Why has a relationship that started out with such passion, excitement, hope and promise end up as another broken dream?  Like a child, you sit fearful of the monster slumbering under your bed.

Another relationship is about to bite the dust. No fairy tale ending can bring it back.

“So who is she?” you ask, as your spouse returns.

You notice the firm set to his lips and the steely look he gives as he ignores you.

“I want and deserve an answer!” you demand.

“No one,” he says and continues: “Why do you have to be so dramatic and act like the injured party?  Why is it that I always have to be guilty of something just because I don’t want to talk to you? Sometimes I just do NOT feel like being nice, kind or considerate.  I am NOT having an affair.”

After careful consideration, your next question is simple. If it is not another woman that has caused the cold breach within your relationship, then what is it? The question should not have been “who is she?” but “when did this happen?”

The silent stalker in many of our relationships does have a name. That name is Ambivalence.

When did the two of you stop sharing and caring?

When did he become so indifferent in your once intimate and sacred relationship?

Why do you feel rejected and disrespected?

Where do you go from here? And where is “here,” exactly?

What are you going to do with this complex person called your better half?

You are afraid. You feel naked and exposed both emotionally and mentally. You think:  If others found out what my relationship is really like I will not be able to hold my head up without feeling like a fraud.  Am I strong enough and do I have the courage to face the situation AS IT IS and not as I wish or fantasize it to be?  I am afraid of having to face life alone. But I am also afraid that I am losing my authenticity, who I am.

If all other options fail, will you be strong enough to be alone rather than allow your hopes, dreams, identity and aspirations to be eroded by lack of trust and support?

What are you really afraid of? Being by yourself or not knowing what you want?

Listen to your instincts. As an adult, you cannot force love, respect or honor on a partner unwilling to meet you half-way. If his heart has left the relationship, it’s time to start thinking about your options.

1. Get clear on the problem. Think about it. Write about it. Talk about it; ideally to someone (counselor, therapist, pastor) objective enough help you clear out the mess of conflicting emotions so you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Even if you don’t know why you’re upset, work with the instinct until you can identify the issues.

1. Understand that divorce is not the only option, but know that compromising to preserve the union as it is, may not fix the problem. If you want to save this marriage, know that you may need to call in a demolition crew and start rebuilding from scratch. Preserving the union is not the same thing as preserving this union. Consider your history. You may need a General Sherman and a Reconstruction to put your union back together again.

1. Compromise is great, but one person being forced to compromise too much will guarantee that these same conflicts will rise again. Marriage is a two-way street. Know your limits. Know exactly what you’re willing to negotiate and stick to it.

1. Rediscover yourself. After years of marriage, what you want at fifty-five may be very different from what you wanted at thirty. People change. There’s nothing wrong with that. Don’t let yourself get trapped by trying to be a person you are not anymore, striving to meet goals that may be impractical, unrealistic or flat-out undesirable for anyone involved.  And let him do the same. The things that made both of you happy before entering your fifties are, most likely, very different from what makes you happy now.

Knowing what you want is the greatest weapon against apathy and ambivalence. The process of finding that out will refocus your attention on the most important things in life. There’s no easy path out of this, but with courage, you can find it.

Thirty years of memories have left the mantelpiece crowded. Marie still feels like the young woman who planted perennials in her garden in front of their first house, but the mirror shows signs of age. She and Wes have shared so much—three decades almost of triumphs and disappointments, of joy and of sadness. But in this last couple of years, everything has felt a little bit off. For the longest time, she told herself it was age. Her grown children demanded less while her aging parents demanded more. She and Wes had changed. Their values were a little different. Then the economy soured and she thought maybe it was just timing. Stressed and frustrated, she found herself nagging, bickering, losing sight of who she was and what she wanted. Marie and Wes played out the same version of the same conversation with almost no results. They visited counselors and prayed for solutions. Neither one of them wanted a divorce. They loved each other and always would. In late Spring, Marie decided to ask Wes for some space.

Now repeat after me: there’s nothing wrong with giving yourself a little space. When the largest house you’ve ever lived in starts feeling small, when you can’t seem to get through a conversation with your spouse without feeling like you’re going to scream or cry or both, when the whole idea of marriage and commitment and the system of values supporting it feels arbitrary at best, it may be time to change something more than your outfit.

I believe in marriage and commitment. I’m not advocating divorce, but I believe, in some cases, a temporary separation may be exactly what the doctor ordered. Sometimes you need room to work through your own baggage before diving headfirst into the business of repairing a marriage. And while time apart is not something to be entered into lightly, nor is it the nuclear option we’re all a little afraid it might be. It’s important to add as well that we all have different definition of what space may mean. Clearing your head may involve as little as move into the guest bedroom down the hall or it may mean an apartment across town. Only you can know what feels right for you.

Some relationships have be pruned back to flower again. After a period of separation and reflection, see what feels like to date your spouse again, removed from the day-to-day constraints of your domestic life. Take small steps, be honest with your spouse and yourself and keep the faith.

I don’t, for the record, consider separation a necessary stage for most marriages. You may never end up in a place like Marie. But if you do, I’m here to tell you that it’s okay. Life is hard. It changes constantly and all of us struggle to keep up. You can work through it. I have faith in that. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with doing that on your own for a little while. You’re in good company. Even those of us who make a career out of intimacy need a little alone time every now and then.

Be brave. Be honest. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need.